What's life like as a parent, after a storm of teen mental illness? A year out from high school graduation, a year of college complete, people ask me, “How’s your daughter?” As the mother of a girl who has faced multiple mental illness crises and diagnoses, who no one knew if she would survive, let alone graduate high school or be off to college, my favorite thing to say is, “Good! She’s moving to Paris in the fall to study abroad.” 

What could have been. We use that phrase to round up to outcomes we’ve hoped for, or we add it to cushion ourselves from some uncomfortable truth. This week, we wonder what could have been if our community had not responded so assertively and positively to a threat to our childrens’ safety.

My daughter is a brand new college freshman. I joined a Facebook group for parents of her university. It has amazingly helpful content. In the first few weeks of school it also seems to have a zillion (I exaggerate) parents posting about how their child is “living their best life” and “thriving”. I’m now as sick of those descriptors as I was of “pivot” during the height of Covid.

We thank the members of our Families Connected Parent Advisory and participants in our Families Connected Parent Chat for recently meeting and discussing their lived experience around giving their children devices and access to social media. Their hope, and ours, is to help parents and caregivers avoid the negative mental health and behavioral impact premature introduction of smart phones can drive. 

In my role as the Director of the Juvenile Diversion Project, I have seen our youth push each other down with hateful and disparaging comments, both online and in person.

On the surface, I was a Straight A student athlete who went on to study at Princeton, but underneath that facade lurked a raging case of self-loathing. My heart aches for my younger self, who titled a journal entry in 1987, my first year of high school, “Fatness and Self-Hate.”

Tears blur a clear view of the meeting screen. The psychiatrist is neatly but casually dressed in a black long sleeve crewneck. He’s sitting in his home office, which, I think, is probably also his bedroom. His mouth is moving and his words trail, a lip sync error, or my mind’s resistance to take it in. I watch his mouth stop moving and wait for the sound to catch up. “I’m not the kind of doctor who shies away from this just because the child is not eighteen. If they are prescribed according to an incorrect diagnosis, the meds can be harmful.” Thud. My heart to the floor. 

It is important during the stressful holiday season to unplug and reconnect with loved ones. Below, we have outlined many ways to do just that through acts of kindness and giving, enjoying the many beautiful South Bay attractions, going device-free, brushing up on social skills at home, doing a family movie night and taking advantage of the many holiday events in the South Bay.

“Be honest -what do you think of me when I tell you I am alcoholic? Do you picture me sloshed at 10:00 am? In a dirty bathrobe? Being handcuffed for a DUI? Shrieking and slurring at my family? Do you think I am unemployable? Slovenly, watching TV all day?”

We felt so isolated and in the dark as we struggled to save our teenager. Looking back, I can see which strategies made the difference. Surprisingly, some of our best choices were accidental. I hope this gives you relief when you hear that terrible whisper of self-doubt, “am I doing the right thing?” There are no right answers, but here are five things that helped us along our son’s road to recovery.

We start off doing things for our kids because they can’t yet. Then over time we continue doing these tasks out of habit and don’t realize when it’s time to hand them over to our kids. For example, at some point in elementary school, your child is capable of unloading a dishwasher, making a sandwich, setting the table, maybe even frying an egg. You probably would prefer to continue to do some of these things yourself because you’re quicker and less messy, but is that really serving our kids’ growth?

I recently watched the new film Everything Everywhere All at Once and cried throughout the whole end as I watched Michelle Yeoh’s character physically pull her daughter from the abyss that threatened her existence. It was too close to home. Three years ago, that’s exactly what I was doing with my then 14-year-old daughter. What started out as my attending the South Bay Families Connected Parent Chat to talk about the seemingly typical challenges I had with my daughter—too much screen time, the plummet of self-esteem in front of social media, peer influence—became a lifeline over the following year as I rose to the challenge of having a child dysregulate to the point of attempting her own life.

My phone rang just as I had finished telling my thirteen year-old daughter to get ready for her AYSO soccer game. I was startled by the voice on the other end. Why was my mom’s best friend calling me on a Saturday morning? Her soft words informed me that she’d taken my seventy-five year-old mother to the emergency room. I sat down unable to absorb all the words that had rolled off her tongue. I wasn’t prepared for my fated future… That was the moment I entered the sandwiched generation, but I wouldn’t put a label on it for many years. I was too busy trying to stay afloat. For those who don’t know, the sandwich generation is defined as people who have at least one parent still living and at least one child under the age of 21 and it consists of 44% of all people age 45-55.

To parents: your child may be bullied, or may be the bully, and you might not have a clue. May I suggest the importance of really noticing your kid’s behavior. This is so much easier said than done in these busy times but the more you are honed into your child, the more you will notice the tells that indicate worrisome change. Be a pain in the neck. Be willing to annoy. Know passwords. Gently let your child know that no topic is off limits.

It is important during the stressful holiday season to unplug and reconnect with loved ones. Below, we have outlined many ways to do just that through acts of kindness and giving, enjoying the many beautiful South Bay attractions, going device-free, brushing up on social skills at home, doing a family movie night and taking advantage of the many holiday events in the South Bay.

Over the past three months, South Bay parents, teens and administrators representing our 115 SBFC Partner Schools have collectively shared with us one key social-emotional wellness trending youth issue: many students are struggling with their social skills and peer relationships. The conventional wisdom seems to be, both here in the South Bay and nationally, that virtual learning may have put students’ normal social development on pause. As one administrator put it, “Some students have forgotten how to interact, from understanding social cues to practicing kindness to one another. Our 5th graders are acting like 4th graders.” And others have shared that social anxiety and isolation have increased.