Some Thoughts on Cyberbullying, by Joan Stein Jenkins, Esq.

When I initially wrote my first article on bullying in the community, it was 2017. Kids were in school daily, there was no “new normal.” So much has changed since then. We have gone through a pandemic that has altered the course of all our lives, with both positive and negative implications. Many families and children benefitted from the intimacy and connection that grew from the imposed time together. COVID-19 has also compelled both remote work and unemployment which has often led to isolation, social, emotional, and otherwise.  Schools closed and students were taught remotely. The strain of children struggling to learn without the benefit of social interaction and the in-person benefit of a teacher’s guiding hand has sometimes led to a detachment from studying and school. The struggle of parents to juggle work life, home life, and children during school hours has been exhausting. Children have by necessity been on computer screens for hours and hours, with both classes and homework online.  Contact with friends has pivoted to Snapchat, Tik Tok, and Instagram DMs. Often our kids are paying more attention to their cell phone than computer screen during zoom classes.   Safe contact was only at a distance; and so many misunderstandings can be worsened by distance and the boredom of isolation. As a society, we have relied on school, family, social, and communal activities to foster civility and kindness, and boundaries. In isolation, children have not had to confront the true impact of their comments and behavior. We have seen more fractious in-person dealings between our children, since their usual social, school, cultural, and sports outlets have been unavailable. Can it be a surprise these children cannot accurately gage the effect of their words typed onto a screen when there is no need to interact with the objects of their derision?

Kids are mostly back at school now, but these new habits have lingered. An abundance of digital content available at their fingertips, mixed with the boredom, anger, and resentment resulting from FOMO has created a perfect storm for poor decision making. This can include excessive exposure to social media creating unrealistic expectations, inappropriate websites, and cyberbullying. We are going to focus here on cyberbullying due to the high number of these incidents that I have handled since the pandemic.  

Bullying—in person abuse and mistreatment, often repeatedly between persons or people, one of whom is stronger or more powerful---can devastate. But cyberbullying’s impact can be worse and longer lasting.  Its effects are intensified by social media’s capacity to disseminate broadly, anonymously if desired, and its ease in sending and resending posts. In cyberbullying, things tend to escalate quickly because the perpetrator can now hide behind a screen, sending messages and saying hateful things without having to face their victims.  We often see kids with multiple accounts, under aliases, used to cyberbully. SnapChat is often the medium of choice for transmitting the malicious messages, due to the fact these messages self-delete either immediately or within 24 hours. These passwords protected conversations are the perfect medium for cyberbullying as kids are often afraid to screenshot or capture the message, as the sender is notified if a screenshot is taken. This can give kids that heady feeling that they can say anything without a record or any type of repercussion. As well, SnapChat allows for group chats, meaning multiple kids can be in a chat at one time, allowing for group cyberbullying. Most of the cases of bullying that I have seen have included the disparaged child as part of the chain. The ugly reality boils down to the child receiving the gut punch of the hateful characterization along with the humiliation of group dissemination. A social media attack is often sent to a group of people and can be rebroadcasted by any of them far and wide. This can leave a child feeling shattered, embarrassed at school, detached at home, and depressed and unable to focus.

In my extensive experience, I’ve observed that bullies are often just looking for a reason to pounce. Bullies tend to focus on differences or uncomfortable similarities with their victim. They are unable to express these emotions and therefore cannot deal with doubt or anger or privilege or lack of privilege in a healthy way. They are looking for a reason to attack. Often, they have been victims of bullying themselves or have been exposed to belittling behavior, and now some are even inspired by the current extreme political discord.  I want to take a step back for a moment as I have used the term “bully” to describe a child. The reality is, bullying is an action, and need not define the child. I have worked with many children to guide them to do the hard work to understanding the true motive for their actions. This, coupled with their accepting responsibility and making any possible amends for harm caused, leads to better choices. Many become advocates for compassion.

Often those who have already faced trauma or unwanted change are particularly susceptible to bullying. To those who have been targeted, I want you to remember, to imprint this upon your hearts: You are not a victim. This is not who you are. This is not your identity. Whether you are targeted for no reason or for your having made poor choices, no reason for bullying is justified. Bullies lose steam when you have the courage to face those mistakes and are able say, “Yes, I messed up. I am doing better. Get over it.” Remember when bullies cannot make you feel defeated, they lose their power. Tell trusted adults and friends. They can protect and remind you of your authentic self. This is a first step to emerge from being targeted. And this is important: if there are threats, call the police immediately. 

To parents: your child may be bullied, or may be the bully, and you might not have a clue. May I suggest the importance of really noticing your kid’s behavior. This is so much easier said than done in these busy times but the more you are honed into your child, the more you will notice the tells that indicate worrisome change. Be a pain in the neck. Be willing to annoy. Know passwords. Gently let your child know that no topic is off limits.  

To properly combat cyberbullying, we need to help our children learn to reconnect with one another off-line. We need not only to encourage children to get off social media and insist upon limiting the time they spend on Instagram or Snapchat or TikTok daily, we need to have alternatives. By guiding them to re-involve themselves in activities and people that are joyful and meaningful to them, we take a small but powerful step in fighting cyberbullying.

By, Joan Stein Jenkins, Esq.

Joan, Director of the Beach Cities Juvenile Diversion Project (JDP), is an attorney and a mediator with extensive experience in juvenile and family program design, counter-recidivism, and restorative justice. As a prosecutor, Joan strove to gain compliance and rehabilitation. She also collaborated with Community Oriented Police Teams to resolve cases before court intervention becomes necessary, avoiding records for violators while resolving violations. Joan realizes good kids can make errors in judgment ranging from school violations to tickets to misdemeanors to felonies and has successfully rehabilitated hundreds of these young offenders. Applying these same restorative justice principles, she helped to institute Redondo Beach's domestic violence diversion program. Visit her website: www.joansteinjenkins.com

Joan studied ancient history and archaeology at Indiana University as an undergraduate and attended Duke University Law School. She has taught conflict resolution in the US and India.